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Augenblick
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Name: Nathan
Country: United States
State: Texas
Metro: Dallas
Birthday: 10/14/1982
Gender: Male
Interests: German, movies, music, language, linguistics, art, drawing
Occupation: Retired
Message: message me
Member Since:
8/11/2005
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| Sometimes when I wake up, for whatever reason, the creative part of my brain is in overdrive. Today is one of those days; There are a million ideas swirling in my head(give or take).
I have to squander it at work. Poo.
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| This post contains spoilers about the movie The Prestige, so I'll riddle it with lies and falsehoods to throw off those who have not seen the movie yet. I would probably have done this regardless, just for fun.
A canary tendon hunt--
I am not one to gush publicly, at least not in excess, about gushy relationship type things. But I must take a moment here to talk about how uhmazing my girlfriend Courtney is. We watched The Prestige the other night, and she gosh near figured the whole movie out(with a helpful hint from someone a while back involving a plot point).
She apparently wrote The Prestige. That is the only explanation for her insightful insightfully type insights regarding the film. Did you notice, for instance, that the nylon rope used by Borden's wife to kill herself is an anachronism? Nylon wasn't invented for a further 30 years, you dolt silly!! Maybe longer! Also, there is the matter with the jailkeeper's pet squirrel, but I will not mention it here. Point is, Courtney knows about these things, and though she says she just observed them or figured them out during the movie, I cannot see how this is possible. She also commented on the fact that Borden and his wife both die by hanging, and That Other Guy and his wife both die by drowning(though they both leave behind duplicates of themselves to work in the peanut butter factory)! How astute an observation!
Also, Courtney is pretty good at math. Sometimes she even counts things correctly(people, dogs, pokes, numbers)! And when she doesn't count correctly she is very close most of the time. She is okay at geometry.
She once fried an egg in a frying pan just to see if it could be done. Her daring and bold innovations in all things science never cease to amaze and inspire awe.
Her name, rearranged, spells "Robe Sync Torture", which is enough in itself to warrant a xanga entry.
All joking aside, Courtneh truly is amazing. ;) When I imagine that she chooses to spend time with me, I can't believe it. She might even go parasailing with me someday, if she doesn't chicken out first.
I promise this is the last gushy post for at least another 2 weeks.
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| This is all just me typing to get my thoughts out, and now I have to leave in the middle of editing it, so it's a royal mess. But I'm publishing it anyway.
P.S. This is not aimed at any one person. I promise.
People do things and make time for things that are important to them. I know that's obvious, but it bears repeating. That doesn't meant they sometimes simply aren't able to do the things they want, but you can tell, overall what drives them in life based on the way they live their life. Someone who spends nights hanging out with friends might be deemed lazy and unproductive, but it can not be said of them that they care more about work or school or productivity than the people they care about. Likewise, it might be wise to question someone who claims to love going to baseball games, if they've only been to two games in 20 years.
Bottom line is, this is why I sometimes hurt and take things personally when people say one thing and, to me, their actions say something totally different. I know that usually involves a lot of presumption on my part.
Don't tell me you really want to play video games with me, when you've been saying it for 2 years, and it still hasn't happened yet. Just tell me the truth... I promise I can bear it. What I can't bear are people who lie to me. I realize it's not always on purpose. I probably do it on a regular basis to people who I don't want to hurt. Don't try harder to make yourself do things you hate. Just be honest up front about what you like and don't like and we'll probably all get along better in the long run.
edit: I was talking to Courtney about this a bit earlier... so a few more thoughts arose.
Then, there are things that we do because of those we love. Some people show their love by being practical and taking care of things around those that they love. It's hard, but I need to learn to read it as love if it is intended that way(and as much as that might annoy me. heheh.)
And of course, sometimes we do things we dislike... not because we're not being honest or sincere, but because we know the people we care about like those things. And I think that's great. We might even gain an appreciation for those things over time, but I think it's still important we are honest with ourselves and those we care about... and that we check our motivations and call things what they are. I don't remember my mom's birthday for any real reason other than that I know it makes her happy when I do. And that makes me happy. I love my mom, so by connection, and quite indirectly, I care about her birthday. But it would be a bold-faced lie, to myself and her, to pretend I loved her birthday in the same way I love my own birthday. That's not to say I'm really that much in love with my own birthday, but I think the point is still there.
...and a change of direction
Today at work I started talking to a coworker about our job, and he started venting to me and telling me, in obvious honesty, about all the things lately that he has come to hate about his job. I appreciated so much what he had to say, and that he felt he could be honest with me. It occurred to me then and there that I admired him for who he was... a sensitive soul. Everything he talked about was subtle. It wasn't that the workspace was too warm, or that he didn't get enough hours this week. It was that someone He's more outgoing than I, better spoken, and not as awkward, but he's probably the most sensitive guy I work with. He's always kind to everyone, except those who are blatantly unfair to him(and even then, he gives them the benefit of the doubt). He'll speak and listen to anyone, no matter how seemingly small and insignificant others treat them. A few days ago his dad came into the store and asked to speak with him, so I went into the kitchen to let him know. I don't know what is between them, but this coworker emitted a much unexpected emotional intensity, then calmly asked that I tell his father that he was busy. I appreciated that he didn't get angry and loud, though it was apparent he wasn't pleased... that he took a moment to gather his thoughts and emotions before speaking. It was as if for a moment he had slipped off into his own emotional world. And there was so much I could see going on behind his eyes. I noticed it, whatever it was. And I admire that it exists. That to him it wasn't a matter of practicality, but of emotion.
So I've come to realize over the past few weeks that sometimes, no matter how much I wish I could fit in and be more pragmatic at times... how nice it would be to shut down my emotional center at opportune times, I just like to feel things intensely. I don't know if the feelings are EVER warranted, but they are there, and I would miss them. And believe me, I HATE when those feelings are negative. They hamper everything I do. But I feel like I'm lying to myself when I simply push them aside and don't face them.
So sometimes I wish I were better at things, and I fool myself into believing I admire people who are judgmental, emotionally shallow, and decisive... but I know that the people I really see and don't have to lie to myself about are those who place feeling above all else. I don't know if that's dumb, and frankly, I don't care. It's the truth, and I know that when I notice the rare souls who pass through my day. They stand out like crazy to me, and they make me realize sometimes I'm not annoyed at just everyone all of the time.
That's not to say that I'm really annoyed at everyone all of the time. Really, it's not. But I do get agitated at their sense of rightness and superiority. Majority makes right, I suppose. And by all means, let's bow down to the gods we call logic and practicality. We could ALL use more of that. I promise I'm not as spiteful as I sound. But, y'know.
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| I know that when I was younger, I saw people differently. Life wasn't a competition, but an excuse to play, and just care about people. I know some things have changed since then, and sometimes for the better, but I really do want to just pour myself out to people and stop being so selfish.
There are two major hurdles I need to cross to get to this point that come immediately to mind.
First, is that I hate the idea of being controlled by others. Normally, I go out of my way to quietly rebel against people's attempts to gain a psychological edge on me. It's like my private way of saying, "hey, I see what you're trying to do here." I'm bad about this. Even if someone is trying to be super kind and cheer me up subtly or in some tricky way. If I pick up on it, I find ways to at least tell myself I'm letting them know I see what they're up to. Childish, I know. So stopping that is something that's going to take a huge leap of humility for me. I just have to learn not to pay attention or even look out for people's motives when it comes to these things. Or more likely, just to choose my battles more carefully. I don't know how capable I am of doing this on my own.
The second, of course, is just straight up pride. I know that I'm perceived as a "nice guy"... thing is that I don't always consider this a good thing. It's hard being overlooked and taken for granted(or at least feeling that way) sometimes, as I'm sure everyone does at times. Being nice to others and not constantly whining about your own situation is hardly a way to avoid either of these problems: being taken for granted and being overlooked. But giving of yourself to others isn't about notoriety. So whereas now I'm usually nice to people because I can't help it, and secretly want some sort of recognition, at least from time to time(or better, to have people call me spontaneous, exciting, and adventurous for a change, instead of "swell"... haha), eventually, I'd like to be kind to people and not even look to see what I'll get in return. That's a tough one, as well.
And of course, the answer is prayer and constant motivation checks... which is funny, because I consider myself VERY aware of others motives(or at least my perceptions of them). I'm sure the bible has a couple of things to say about this very issue, as well.
Bottom line is, I want to become ignorant of myself. I want to stop worrying about my energy level, and just DO what is right. I want to care about people like I did when I was younger, before I was ruined by visions of social grandeur. I want to stop being in love with myself, and stop worrying about how people see me, and just do what I know helps other people.
And now, with nary a proofread, bedtime. That's xanga honesty for ya.
zzzZZZzZZZZZz
PS: I will probably revisit this topic later... but I'm falling asleep here, really. | | |
| The daaaaaaAAAaark stuffness
By Schrödinger Bedfellon
It's a cold night out. The waning ember on the tip of my cigar is the only thing keeping the encroaching inky darkness from swallowing what little is still visible of my face. In fact, I welcome it. Just a couple more puffs, then I'll snuff this light and let the emptiness fill me again. Not just anyone understands what it's like to savor aloneness. It certainly requires a heart of tungston, and even such rare types go away thinking they've seen the dark side of things, when, really, they've only just glimpsed the vehicle into it.
My cigar is out now, and the dark snaps back over my face like water swallows up anything thrown into it. At last in my element, I close my eyes(as if it matters), and slide away from existence into a world filled with burnt up things and rotten gummy bears. They're not even the good kind. They're those gross dollar store type that taste kind of off, and get hung up in your throat. They don't have that patented teflon coating that makes brand name gummy bears so good. So anyway, it's like that. Which is to say that it isn't pleasant at all. In fact, I think I'll light another cigar and turn the porch light back on. This is kinda creeping me out, and Seinfeld reruns are about to start, anyway, so I'm gonna head back inside.
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